Move Over Guns: Machetes and Swords Are the New Choices for Michigan Criminals

In a world where creativity knows no bounds, we’re witnessed a surge in unconventional weaponry in the Mitten State. Move aside, guns, because apparently, we’re in the age of machetes and swords being wielded like it’s some sort of twisted backyard fencing competition.

Man with machete crashes gradation party.

Let’s start with the case of the machete-wielding 36-year-old Hershey man crashing a graduation party in Mecosta County at the Green Charter Township Hall in Paris. Often the site of townsfolk yelling at trustees regarding the Gotion plant, this township hall melee involved a man crashing a graduation party, telling the attendees that they were all going to hell.

Kudos to the partygoers for their quick thinking – using a chair to usher out the uninvited guest. The suspect proceeded to drive his vehicle onto the lawn of the Mecosta County Sheriff’s Office (saving them time from locating him I guess) and then he threatened an officer who confronted him.

Man with sword threatens elderly woman in Cadillac.

But wait, there’s more news concerning possible blade combat…Our next fencing contestant is from Missaukee County. This gentleman, armed not with a machete but with a good ol’ sword, was arrested in Cadillac after threatening an elderly woman (who reportedly had a long gun). The man admitted to law enforcement officials that he had killed someone earlier and they took him into custody.

Watch out for the cheeseburgers.

So, what’s the moral of the story here? Guns may have their place in some people’s minds as the scourge of the universe – and assault weaponry that must be banned to save humanity, but folks will always find weapons to use whether those weapons are swords, machetes, rocks or cheeseburgers.